Transformation bloody hurts.
“If just I could cry out load to have my bleeding heart stop hurting!”
You have that feeling of loosing yourself and the path you are on is too painful.What is happening to me right now, I’m loosing it and this is really not I.
Being in the middle of the storm and you can’t see clearly, nor can you make a move as the river of life is blocked, a big stone is in the middle of the river.
It feels like being fixed, nailed to the ground, neither can you do what you need to do or let go of that which blocks you. It is not possible to take of that enormous extra backpack you are lifting around and which brings you into your knees.
Though deep inside you are conscious about that this change is needed in your life!
You don’t want to be where you are, you don’t want to be stuck in this situation you have or even to continue behaving as you do right now. So even though this is painful, hurting unbelievable much and at time you wish life would be a reflection of a calm sea!
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There is nothing else to do then to be in the middle of this storm and to stay faithful with the fact, that you don’t have the control over this and you are not to have control over it either.
These huge waves on the sea of life, your life, are badly needed for the transformation to happen.
Life have for sure many times before served you with transforming situations not as crazy as this one maybe, but you know in your heart, that you came out on the other side and you can look back on insightful personal growth that you did along the way.
What is, if the transformation, is the biggest present you are being given in life and going through the pain is the path of getting to know, who you really are, what your true strength really is and what your life purpose is.
Maybe this transformation is stirring up your life to make you fall on to the right shelf, where you really can feel at home at last, maybe even for the first time ever in life!
Maybe this transformation is stirring up your life for you to fall in love with your precious life and to fall in love with extraordinary you!
Maybe this transformation is stirring up your life for you to realise that you are not living the life you are meant to live, you where driving down the wrong road and you have to change direction now!
“Pain is an invitation to change” as Jeffrey Yuen points it out in one of his lectures: The manifestation of Shen. Master Yuen is an 88th generation Daoist priest and a beloved teacher of mine. He lectures about transformation and self cultivation.
When the transformation is getting to an end and the sea gets calm, the boat can get safely into the harbour again. You will be able to rise up straight and look up into the sky, take a deep breath and know deep in your heart, that you have once more learn a life lesson.
Knowing that transformations are happening all the time in one’s life, some more crazy than others, some followed by more pain than others. It is unavoidably to believe that they will even stop.
Life is a running river and like water in the river, it will not get stock when there is a stone, the water will find a way around the stone. The river of life can not be stopped by a transformation.
The transformation will lead you onto a new road, a new path, the journey have started and are to go to the end!
All in all transformations are happening also when it sucks and you would whish it would stop, as it is part of life like day and night, the tides and you going to go through critical transactions at times.
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Of course I am in the middle of a transformation right now and that is why this blog is about it. I have started to write again and take up blogging as part of my new path.
I wanted to write blogs like since 1,5 year by now and more intensely since 6-7 month. But as I am in a transformation, I just could not get started and I felt NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Having my big backpack with me from my 42 years of life!
Feelings of not being good enough, having my handicap as to having dyslexia, but of course I am not the dyslexia and there is always a way right.
Like when my brother did his skipper certificate at the sailing school in Denmark and I fell in love with this line they use: “If you have the willpower - we have the way”!
My transformation is also about standing up for what I am, who I am and where I want to be in 5 years from now.
It is time for this change both personally and professionally.
There for I have officially added shamanic practising to my clinic of Chinese Medicine. It is time to jump and not to just be in the process, but to take action.
Now that was quite a jump for me, how can I allow my self to be a practitioner of Shamanism! My mind set is telling me that a shaman is only a person like from Tibet born as a shaman and raised in a tradition that allows him or her that title.
So in the last many months I did research into this, at first unconsciously I see now. I was checking out other 21st century shamans if they too are just normal people as I and surprisingly enough they are! I thought, I was researching shamanism and of cause I was doing that too, but also if they are just like me!
Shamanism have given me something that I was missing in my Chinese Medicine world. The connection to the spirit world and I can now connect by doing the dream traveling. In Chinese Medicine I was more lectured about the spirit world, but without really knowing what it is. We where taught about the spirits in an intellectual way and at the very first seminar of shamanism, I was the person to find my own power-animal and my own power-place!
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WOW what a blast it was to connect to the spirit world and can it really be that easily done under direction and instruction. My mind set was once more in my way! More to that in my next blog ;-)
So YES it is okay to feel the uncertainty and the vulnerability during the transformation period as it is a process we have to go through in so many ways.
Maybe most of all to find our way home to ourselves and to our Heart!
This makes me think of the line by Marc Nepo from the film the “Power of the Heart”: “Some times we have to loose our mind to get to our senses”!
So good luck with your transformation, be patients towards the process and take action when the time is right, you will know it in your Heart.
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Love
Marian
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